The new Post A Joke thread

[redox]

>>A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
>> front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He
>> rings
>> the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
>>
>> The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
>> sitting there.
>>
>>
>> 'You talk?' he asks.
>>
>>
>> 'Yep,' the Lab replies.
>>
>>
>>
>> After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
>> what's your story?'
>>
>> The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
>> was
>> pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no
>> time
>> at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
>> spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
>> eavesdropping.'
>>
>> 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
>> jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
>> younger
>> so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do
>> some
>> undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening
>> in.
>> I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
>> 'I
>> got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
>>
>>
>> The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
>> the
>> dog.
>>
>>
>> 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
>>
>>
>> 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
>> cheap?'
>>
>>
>> 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[SubLunar]

I don't know too many so I stole one from the internet:

[BROUSER]

Guy and his wife were walking down the street. See a dog licking its balls. Guy says to wife, "If I could do that, I wouldn't need you any more." Wife says, "I'll hold his head so he won't bite you."

[gimpface]

A joke, just not the funny kind.

[redox]

lol paul's a computer engineer

[SubLunar]

not really a joke, but

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJS5tUsZYOg

[Fiend]

Women drivers...

[cobcob]

A bear and a bunny were both laying some cable in the forest.
the bear looks over to the bunny and says "can i ask you a bit of a personal question?"
"Sure" replies the bunny
"When you crap, does the it stick to your fur?" asked the bear.
The bunny paused in thought. "No, I can't say it does"
The bear nodded, picked up the bunny, and proceeded to wipe his butt with it.
"Good thing then I guess. Seeya round"

[crazydrummerdude]

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had
the task of hiring someone to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four
people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask
them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job.

The day came and as the four sat
around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you
know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It
just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!'
replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the
second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes

and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is
the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The
blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for
speed.

She then turned to the
third man, who was contemplating his reply 'Well out at my dad's ranch, you step
out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that
switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than
an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think
of'

Jennifer was very impressed with the
third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of
light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and
final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three
answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the
response.

Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I
wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I
could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my
pants.'

BUBBA is now
the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

[memory_machine]

Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

A: Nothing.


Remember this one?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKNJLeVncug

[redox]

[crazydrummerdude]

What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

You can't marmalade your dick down a throat.

[SubLunar]

If you blindfold a chinese man and spin him around does he become disoriented?

[slow_walker]

[redox]