The new Post A Joke thread

[slow_walker]

A clown is walking hand in hand with a child into the woods. The child looks up at the clown and says, "It's really dark out here! I'm scared! Let's go back!"

The clown pats the child's hand and smiles. Keeps walking deeper into the woods.

"It gets darker and scarier the farther we go!" whines the child. "Let's go back!"

The clown shakes his head and keeps walking.

"Mister, please!" the child says, "It's dark and spooky out here, I'm really scared!"

"How do you think I feel?" the clown says, "I have to walk out of here alone."

[redox]

ooooh.. that's not funny at all slow ...but still I laugh

[SubLunar]

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080613133222AAZ5QTO

[crazydrummerdude]

Good question.

[slow_walker]

The Euro Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU
rather than German which was the other possibility. As part
of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted
a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c"
will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up
konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year,
when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This
will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes
are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in
the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year,
ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and
similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen
ve vil tak over ze world!

[cobcob]

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.
“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled.
“That sounds wonderful,” said Jed.

“Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

“Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”

“Baaaaa…”

[slow_walker]

This is my favorite joke from the early 90's. It's lame and I don't know where I picked it up at, but I became famous in my circle of friends for telling it to everyone repeatedly....

Two sausages are lying in a electric skillet. One sausage turns to the other and says "Is it me? Or is it hot in here?" The second sausage turns and screams "Holy Shit, a talking sausage!"



True story.

[redox]

[slow_walker]

Hooray! Now tell him the one about the clown from the top of this page. EXCEPT DON'T REALLY TELL HIM.

[SubLunar]

When the bogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for


this guy.

[colony]

A lonely priest decided one day that he needed a pet, so he went to the pet shop. As he walked in the door, the pet shop owner came over ecstatically, saying, "Father, Father, I have the perfect pet for you!"

"Yes, what is it?" the priest asked.

The owner took the priest's arm and led him to a caged parrot with a string attached to each leg. "This parrot, Father, it's perfect for you!"

"Well why does it have strings attached to its legs?" the Father asked.

"Well, Father, if you pull the string on its right leg, he says the Hail Mary," he continued, "and if you pull the left string, he says the Our Father!"

The priest smiled, "That is perfect!"

A few days later after mass was over, the priest met his congregation outside of the door with the parrot resting on his shoulder. An old woman walked up and smiled. "Father, that's a pretty parrot. But why are there strings on its legs?"

"Well, because if you pull the string on its right leg, he says the Our Father. And if you pull the string on its left leg, he'll say the Hail Mary!" the priest happily responded.

"What happens if you pull both strings at once?" asked the old lady.

Just then the parrot speaks up, "I'll fall on my ass, you stupid bitch."

[crazydrummerdude]

What's the difference between "kinky" and "perverted"?

Kinky is when you use a feather.

Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

[PANIC! on the Titanic]

Here's a joke: http://www.missourighosts.net/investigations05c.html

I lost it at "the fog of energy."

[DeathByMoth]

Two blondes were on a hike in the woods, when the two of them came upon a set of tracks. Being the first they had encountered, the two both stopped to examine them. "Hey look, deer tracks", said the first. "Nuh-uh, stupid" said the second, "They're obviously moose tracks, cuz deer tracks aren't this long". At an impasse, the two decided to examine the tracks more closely, while consulting a Wilderness Guidebook. Unfortunately, none of the tracks in the book matched the tracks they had discovered. The two decided that the only way to really identify the tracks would be to wait for the animal that created them to come back. "What if we just lay down and stay quiet, it's bound to come back eventually." said the second. "But," the first quipped, "what if we miss it?" The second responded "We'll just wait here on the trail it uses, right on it's tracks. Then, we can't possibly miss it!". "Hey, you're right! You're so smart!" lauded the first. So the two settled down and began to wait patiently, confident in their plan.

Their efforts would prove to be in vain however, as they would be, in short order, mangled beyond recognition by the Noon Express.

[ropingk]

bump